Stupidity

It's so stupid -
I'm not smart at all...
Counting down the days,
Numbering the hours
Until I'll see you again...
I can't waste my life like this.
I can be happy,
But it's never true joy...
Without you here,
I'm a mere shell of a person,
A small hint of whom I am
When I am with you...
But this will be years of my life...
Painful, horrible years
Without you...
I can't do this to myself.
I can't love you so much!
I have to live my own life,
A life for myself.
I can't care so much...
It's a waste of time,
A waste of breath,
A waste of tears,
A waste of prayers...
And yet I can't help
But wish to waste
Everything, every thought and feeling
That enters my pathetic mind,
Waste it on you...
I love you so much,
And it's so hard without you...
But I did it before,
And I will do it again!
There was a time
When you didn't matter...
True, I was not as happy then
As I am now that I have you
To hold me close...
But I must go through eight long years
Being just the girlfriend,
The lady friend who is miles away...
How will I manage?
I trust you...
That's not the problem.
The problem is,
I am head over heels...
You've stolen my heart,
And without it,
I cannot function...
And I must learn how.
I must breathe again,
I must laugh again,
I must smile without your arms
Pulling me close...
I must learn to live alone,
Learn to forget
The wonderful things
That have made me feel so alive,
That have made me fall in love with you...
I must forget.
I must forget.
I must forget...
I must survive.

~ April 10, 2009 ~