Musings

Where are you, my love?
I miss you so much…
You’re not here,
And I’m torn so much…
Memory after memory comes
Incredible, torturously close,
Killing me,
Keeping me from breathing…
I’m growing up too quickly…
I have a boyfriend,
I’ll graduate next year…
I feel like I’m four.
I don’t feel ready for this,
For any of this…
But it’s here…
The rest of my life is coming,
And the past is just that…
Past memories,
Past joys,
Past fears…
They’re over…
The past is gone,
Tomorrow is still on the horizon,
And now is now…
I must live for now,
Instead of worrying about the future
And remembering the past…
But I can’t help my memories.
They taunt me,
Haunt me…
They are there,
No matter how hard I try to forget…
Who is this girl
That I see in the mirror?
Who is this person,
This creature that stares back at me?
I don’t recognize her…
It frightens me…
Who am I?
Who have I become?
Who am I becoming?
Where am I going?
What am I doing?
God, help me…
I don’t know
Where You’re taking me…
And I want so desperately to know!
Heaven help me,
I know You have a plan for me,
But I don’t know what it is…
Help me decide,
Help me choose…
Show me where I am to go,
Tell me who I should love,
And who I should let go…
I don’t want to let go….

~ April 11, 2009 ~