Incomplete

I don't want to say goodbye...
Each time I do,
I fear I say it for forever.
I'm trying so hard
To not think at all,
But, my love,
Each time you leave,
I fear you leave me for good.

Now I catch your gaze across the room.
It smiles sweetly,
Melting my heart,
Making me feel guilty
For fearing you would ever leave.
But you do leave,
If just for a time,
And I miss you so much....

I'm not myself without you...
I'm incomplete,
Insane,
And impossibly sad...
Don't leave me, love.
Don't leave me,
Ever.

~ April 15, 2009 ~

The Music

I can't hear the music, darling,
My heart is pounding too loudly.
With your arms around me,
Your sweet breath on my neck,
My head is spinning,
My world is reeling...
I can't hear the music, darling,
Can you?
My focus is on your eyes,
And the fuzzy, scruffy redness of your beard,
And my heart
Is not matching the rhythm
Of the music.
I cannot breathe, my love...
But I feel I shouldn't need to.
I'm safe in your arms,
Your strength courses through me.
I can't hear the music, darling...
And it doesn't matter to me.
The music is nothing
When compared to you.
You're the sweetest tune I hear,
The notes that take my breath away.
I don't care about the music, darling.
You're all that I hear,
All that I need,
All that I feel.
And in this sweet, anxious moment
When we're breathing way too hard
And you've zapped all the strength from me,
I don't want the music, dear.
I just want to hold on tightly...
For forever.

~ April 14, 2009 ~

In Your Arms

Being in your arms tonight,
I realize suddenly
That never, ever
Has anything felt so right.
I hate when you leave,
But when you return
And take me in your arms,
I forget that I ever had reason to grieve.
I need you near,
I need you by my side.
The world's a happier place
When you are here.
The stars are bright,
The chilly breeze does not exist,
And in your sweet embrace,
Everything is right.
I love you so much...
I need to get a life,
To stop thinking about you,
But I love hearing your voice and feeling your touch.
I cannot believe you are mine,
That you love me,
That you want to be near me,
If only for a time...
Oh, how I love you!

~ April 12, 2009 ~

My Guilt

I don’t understand…
I want to understand,
I want to know,
I want to see
Into your world…
A world that is no more…
What happened?
What happened to you?
I don’t understand
What’s going on…
I want to cry,
But I can’t cry at all…
The tears are frozen,
My heart is raw…
It aches.
I can’t help but wonder
If it would have been different,
If something might have changed…
But nothing was changed,
Nothing happened,
And now it’s over…
There’s nothing more I can do,
I cannot be a better friend,
Because you’re not here
For me to be a friend to…
Heaven help me,
I don’t know what to say,
I don’t know what to do!
Everything aches,
Everything reminds me
Of you and what happened…
May you rest in peace…
Peace is a blessing I fear
I will never receive again….

~ April 11, 2009 ~

Musings

Where are you, my love?
I miss you so much…
You’re not here,
And I’m torn so much…
Memory after memory comes
Incredible, torturously close,
Killing me,
Keeping me from breathing…
I’m growing up too quickly…
I have a boyfriend,
I’ll graduate next year…
I feel like I’m four.
I don’t feel ready for this,
For any of this…
But it’s here…
The rest of my life is coming,
And the past is just that…
Past memories,
Past joys,
Past fears…
They’re over…
The past is gone,
Tomorrow is still on the horizon,
And now is now…
I must live for now,
Instead of worrying about the future
And remembering the past…
But I can’t help my memories.
They taunt me,
Haunt me…
They are there,
No matter how hard I try to forget…
Who is this girl
That I see in the mirror?
Who is this person,
This creature that stares back at me?
I don’t recognize her…
It frightens me…
Who am I?
Who have I become?
Who am I becoming?
Where am I going?
What am I doing?
God, help me…
I don’t know
Where You’re taking me…
And I want so desperately to know!
Heaven help me,
I know You have a plan for me,
But I don’t know what it is…
Help me decide,
Help me choose…
Show me where I am to go,
Tell me who I should love,
And who I should let go…
I don’t want to let go….

~ April 11, 2009 ~

For Darren

It's not possible,
I refuse to believe...
And yet the proof is there,
In sad glances,
Mourning words...
You were alive,
Just yesterday...
I saw you in study hall
At the beginning of the week...
You're not gone,
You're not!
I refuse to believe...
I refuse to think...
I came so close to this,
It kills me to think
That what I refused to do
Has taken you away...
I don't understand.
I don't see what was so horrible...
I don't understand...
You had friends,
Family that loved you...
And you gave it all
For...
For what?
I don't know what to think,
I don't know what to say...
I can't cry,
It doesn't make sense...
I didn't know you that well,
But you were always nice to me...
What happened?
Now you're gone,And I can't begin to imagine
Never seeing you again,
Never passing you in the halls,
Never hearing you talk in study hall...
You're gone for good,
And I can't believe it...
I'm numb,
I can't feel a thing...
I must be strong...
There are others
Who were so much closer to you...
I must be strong for them...
I cannot cry.
I cannot think.
I must be strong for you...
I must be strong.
~ April 10, 2009 ~

Stupidity

It's so stupid -
I'm not smart at all...
Counting down the days,
Numbering the hours
Until I'll see you again...
I can't waste my life like this.
I can be happy,
But it's never true joy...
Without you here,
I'm a mere shell of a person,
A small hint of whom I am
When I am with you...
But this will be years of my life...
Painful, horrible years
Without you...
I can't do this to myself.
I can't love you so much!
I have to live my own life,
A life for myself.
I can't care so much...
It's a waste of time,
A waste of breath,
A waste of tears,
A waste of prayers...
And yet I can't help
But wish to waste
Everything, every thought and feeling
That enters my pathetic mind,
Waste it on you...
I love you so much,
And it's so hard without you...
But I did it before,
And I will do it again!
There was a time
When you didn't matter...
True, I was not as happy then
As I am now that I have you
To hold me close...
But I must go through eight long years
Being just the girlfriend,
The lady friend who is miles away...
How will I manage?
I trust you...
That's not the problem.
The problem is,
I am head over heels...
You've stolen my heart,
And without it,
I cannot function...
And I must learn how.
I must breathe again,
I must laugh again,
I must smile without your arms
Pulling me close...
I must learn to live alone,
Learn to forget
The wonderful things
That have made me feel so alive,
That have made me fall in love with you...
I must forget.
I must forget.
I must forget...
I must survive.

~ April 10, 2009 ~

Storm

The clouds were hanging
Black and fierce in the sky,
But as the breeze
Gave way to a flickering flame,
Then a scarlet haze,
A golden blaze,
The clouds lifted
And the rain ceased to fall.
The brilliant sun
Melted the sparkling pain
That came with each raindrop.
The gloom fled
As the bright charioteer emerged,
And the breathlessness
Of the glorious surrounding blaze
Shook the earth,
Freed the captive,
And dried the oceans
With its splendor.

~ April 8, 2009 ~

Alone

I've done it before,
I'll do it again.
Surviving without you
Was so easy then!
I didn't know you at all,
I didn't really care.
I warned all my friends
They ought to beware.
But I know you
So much better now,
And 'though I must lose you,
I don't see how.
I can't bear the thought
Of you not being here;
I'm depressed and sad
When you're not near.
I wonder
If you're actually sick
Or if you chose
To simply stay home and skip.
I don't care,
I just want you back,
Because without you,
My world's cold and black.
I miss you so much...
You must return to me
So happy again
I may truly be.

~ April 8, 2009 ~

Fretting

I'm worrying too much,
I'm fretting about you, dear.
I haven't seen you at all,
And I so badly want you here!
Where are you, love?
What's taking so long?
My head knows you're okay,
But surely something's wrong....
I'm missing you so.
I want you by my side,
But the gap between us
Is too far, too wide.
I don't know where you are.
Are you safely home in bed,
Sleeping peacefully,
No thoughts within your head?
My thoughts are of you,
And of you alone.
I was fine by myself once...
Now I don't want to be on my own.
I love you,
I miss you,
I want you so...
I wish you knew
How much it hurts
When you're not here,
When I've only memories
To bring you near.

~ April 7, 2009 ~

Cold

It's cold in here, dear,
So cold without you.
My tears freeze,
Then melt and freeze anew.
I love you so much.
It kills me to think
Too much of you,
Too much of us,
But I have to, my love.
The clouds are grey,
Tree branches,
Dead and dark,
Scrape at my wounded soul.
Why do I love you
So incredibly much?
Why does God tempt me
With such high hopes for you?
They kill me, they do.
I'm thinking too much,
And I just cannot stop.
I love you too much,
And I don't want to stop!
I don't understand
What's happening to me.
Why do you make me feel
The way I always do?
Love hurts,
It hurts so much!

~ April 7, 2009 ~