Mem'ries of Happiness

The moon shines through
Into the darkened room,
And her eyes light upon
A red-faced girl.
Tears stream down her face,
Falling more swiftly
Than she can brush them away.
She is trying to be calm,
But something has struck her,
And the weeping does not cease.
Her curls fly frizzily away from her face;
She doesn't notice them.
Memories of a happy past
Nip at her tauntingly;
Jealousy, fear, and rage
Bite at her heart.
Her head says one thing,
Her heart says another,
And she is caught between the two,
Pulled up and down like a yo-yo,
A marionette
On a very long string.
Why this change,
She wonders,
When just minutes ago
She was safe and happy
In the strong, warm embrace
Of the man of her dreams?
She doesn't know,
But she doesn't like it.
She feels threatened,
Afraid,
And can't help looking in ev'ry corner
For an intruder.
There are none, though,
Only her fearful,
Hateful, angry thoughts.
They plague her like a disease....

Should she tell him how she feels?
Or pretend all is well?
Lying isn't good,
But a little acting...?
After all,
He isn't the problem;
She's proud of him!
He's a good friend,
A good boyfriend,
A good brother and son.
No, she's the problem.
She's too emotional,
She simply can't let go
Of her family's past.
Her naivete angers her;
She could have saved herself
From so much pain,
But she was only a child.
She was so content
To play at fairy-tales,
To dream of handsome princes
Who would sweep her
Off her feet
And give her a happily ever after...
And her grandmother,
Who knew better,
Let her dream....

She blames her now.
If she hadn't believed,
She wouldn't have been hurt.
She would've known
Not everyone get
Happily ever afters.
She prays
She will someday have one,
But is afraid to believe again....

It wasn't about her,
And she knows this.
But it hurts,
Despite the years,
And she can't help
Wondering
Why....

~ February 2, 2009 ~

when you leave

when you leave
ev'ry fiber of my being
aches with an emptiness,
with a fear that cannot be measured.
i love you
with ev'ry bit of me
and life without you by my side
would be hell on earth.
but when you are with me,
everything i see and hear,
everything i feel and say
is right,
perfect,
and heaven is within my grasp.
i love you
and ev'ry moment i am with you
makes the other moments worthwhile.
i love you
and i can't help myself.
i feel stupid,
helpless,
afraid,
pretty,
beautiful,
confused...
and i wouldn't want it
any other way.

~ January 28, 2009 ~

A Snowy Night

She can see the moon and stars,
And bids them tell him good-night for her...
She sends them on their way,
That they may kiss his cheek as he sleeps,
While she cannot be there with him
As she so desperately longs to be.
A sweet song fills her heart and soul
As she thinks of her love,
So close and yet so far away.
She sees the pure white snow,
Lying peacefully on the ground.
It glints in the light of the gleaming moon,
As do the eyes of her beloved,
Veiling thoughts and feelings
That no one - not even she - can reach.
The lamplight in the street
Sends chills down her spine,
And she grins to think
That the same lights shine on him,
A mere block or so away.
The music in her ears
Makes her laugh,
It's so silly,
So ridiculous,
But ev'ry word and chord
Strikes something within her,
And her heart beats faster,
Her stomach flips and flops
Like a million ocean waves,
Watched over by the bright lamp
Of a lighthouse nearby.
Why lies she still,
Wide awake, unable to bring sleep
Near her tired frame?
She cannot stop thinking of him,
And wonders if he, too,
Lies awake and thinks of her.
Does he wonder,
As she does of him,
What it is about her
That fascinates him so?
Does she fascinate him?
He has captured her heart...
Now does he offer his in return?
She shivers for a moment.
It is cold outside,
Freezing, even.
And she wonders what it is
That makes this cold night bearable.
Is it the thought of seeing him
When the sun shines her brilliant rays
Upon the glittering carpet of diamonds
That lies upon the earth?
The dream of being near,
Hearing him whisper softly,
So quietly she can barely hear,
"You're beautiful," in her small ear?
Is this what wakens her
Upon this chilly winter's night?
She may never know.
She may feel,
She may dream,
She may grin
At the thought of him,
But she may never know
What it is that has
So captivated her.
All she knows
Is something has,
And she never wants it to leave.
Like the moon's ever-present light,
Like the glimmer of the snow-diamonds,
Like the promise of a warm sun
Upon the morn,
She knows that the love she carries
Deep within her breast
Will never cease,
Will never die.
It may wax and wane,
As do the quarters of the moon,
But it forever lie there,
Buried so deeply in her soul
That she will never be rid of it...
And never will she wish to be.

~ January 28, 2009 ~

Worry Not

I worry too much,
You often say,
I worry about everything,
About every day.
I fear for your health,
For your sanity,
You life should you
Truly join the army.
You're crazy to do
The things that you do -
Sleep outside in zero degrees,
And light things on fire - including you!
But I have confidence
You'll be okay,
No matter how much
I fret each day.
So I'll try to set
My mind at ease,
But, my darling,
Please, please, PLEASE,
Use your head,
Please be smart...
For losing you
Would break my heart.

~ January 21, 2009 ~

Rainfall

Rains falls gently
On a bed of pink roses.
The clouds above weep
Mournfully, fearfully,
Angrily.
The raindrops fall on the face
Of a beautiful woman,
Clothed in layers of blue.
She takes a perfect bloom
And holds it to her breast.
Her breath catches in her throat
As the wind whips her hair
Around her perfect face.
The clouds seem to frown,
Jealous of her glory.
The day turns swiftly cold,
And frozen is she,
Frozen in time,
Trapped forever
In a perfect cameo
Of elegant blue and white,
Upon which the rain
Gently, swiftly falls.

~ January 19, 2009 ~

My Story

As a little girl,
She thought of little more
Than love and romance,
Not realizing
How sadly disappointed she
Would someday come to be.
She sang sweet songs,
Planned her wedding,
And picked out baby names.
A few year passed,
And, 'though still a child,
Something was horribly awry.
Around the man
She cringed and sweated;
Her little soul
Hated to be near him.
More so, she trembled
With a very adult fear,
But didn't know why.
She never told a soul,
But suffered alone.
It wasn't her choice,
It wasn't her fault!
A few more years go by,
And, 'though only twelve,
The girl has had to grow up.
She still dreams of perfect love,
Of her darling Mr. Right,
But her world has crumbled,
And she is so afraid.
She swears never to wed,
To be an old maid,
That true love
Is simply a fairy-tale dream,
And fairy-tales are for babies....

Now, as she writes,
More years have passed.
Tears stream down her cheek
As her hand goes numb
From writing this poem.
She knows not all men are dumb,
That some have feelings,
But ev'ry fiber of her being
Is repulsed by a certain few
Who are nothing more
Than stains on her pure heart.
Yet she wonders,
Is she wrong?
Does she have the right to hate,
Or does she overreact?
The very sight
Of certain people
Takes her to a place
She never wanted to be.
She tries to be safe,
To dress modestly;
She can't figure out
If she would rather be pretty,
Beautiful,
Or ugly so they stay away.

She has a boyfriend -
He says she's pretty.
She doesn't dislike him at all!
He makes her life worthwhile.
But she is afraid, too.
She doesn't want to frighten him,
But she can't lie to him.
Her heart aches to think
He might not want her drama,
Might not want her fears.
But he tells her to be real....

The rain falls softly,
And the temperature drops.
Sidewalks are frozen,
Cars won't start,
The green of nature
Has turned brown and died.
She sympathizes...
The beauty is dead,
And a new world emerges
With each snowfall....

~ January 19, 2009 ~

Just A Thought

The girl sits and smiles;
She knows they mean well,
But hopes and prays
He doesn't see this as hell.
Her head knows what's smart,
But her heart knows only what it feels:
He is her glorious knight,
And ev'ry one of his kisses heals
Whatever might ail her.
Whether a knight of white or black,
She knows he would defend and protect,
Battling whatever might attack.
As her parents poke and prod,
She giggles a bit,
And prays to God
He doesn't think her a simple-minded twit.
She feels his arms around her,
And a shiver courses
Through her body,
Her heart pounding as hooves of a million horses.
He whispers in her ear,
And every word he says is bliss;
Then he leans down
And gives her a kiss.
She feels lost in a world
That she never wants to leave -
She loves every little thing,
Every quirk and pet peeve,
And she can't help but wonder
What is in store,
A great friendship or
(Please, God) something more....

~ January 19, 2009 ~

To See You Again

I tried to be wise,
To say you wouldn't come,
But my heart wouldn't stop hoping,
And I felt so dumb.
I didn't want to be stupid;
I thought you had things to do,
And would be at home;
I was so certain I knew!
But the instant I saw you,
My heart began to soar;
I was thrilled,
More so than ever before.
If you think about it,
It seems so silly,
We were only apart for two days!
But it felt like an eternity,
And when I saw you
And you held me tight,
I wanted to never let you go,
To hold on with all my might.
Only you, my love,
Can make me feel this way,
All tongue-tied,
With nothing good to say.
But the silence in your arms
Is worth a trillion words,
Worth more to me
Than ever a princess was to king or lord.

~ January 17, 2009 ~

Dr. Dettweiler

Stories of your life
Make our music leap from the page.
You are an amazing conductor,
A true musical sage.
We thank you
For teaching us to sing,
To feel,
To do that musical "thing."
We won't forget what you've taught,
Your words and spirit stay with us now;
You taught us music,
And how!
Thank you, Dr. Dettweiler,
For spending time with us,
For conducting our festival,
And placing the music in us.
We thank you, from the bottom of our hearts,
For helping us sing
Even the hardest parts!

~ January 17, 2009 ~

Districts #3

Ev'ry little thing that happens here
Makes me think of you.
Ev'ry word that's spoken,
Ev'ry joke that's told
Makes me wish you were here with me.
My whole body aches
At the thought of the distance
That so cruelly separates us.
I never thought
I would feel this way about anyone,
But I do,
And it's the most wonderful, painful thing
I've ever felt.
The thought of your embrace
Is both heaven and hell,
For in your arms I find
The sweetest solace known to man.
Yet hell it is,
Because the glory I desire,
The solace I so crave
Can only be found where you are.
You are not here,
And it's killing me, I swear.
I love you so much more
Than you will ever know,
And the sweetest music is flat
When I don't have you
Near to me.

Districts #2

I'm lying in a strange bed,
In a strange house,
And the sound of your voice is in my head.
Music is all around,
And lots of friendly people
To keep me nailed to the ground,
But reality has no meaning
If you're not here,
If I can't see your gray eyes gleaming,
Sending a wink my way
That gives me chills
And makes my day.
I never thought saying good-bye
Would make me so sad
That I could not cry,
But when I got off the phone,
The only thing I wanted
Was to be home,
Safe in your arms,
Hearing your heart beat,
Trapped by your charms.
The slightest thought of you,
And I can barely sing.
You've become my reason to do what I do.

This poem seems so dull,
But without you here,
The words don't come at all.
I miss you more than I dreamed,
I can't get you out of my head,
I love you more than I ever schemed.
Saturday cannot come too quickly,
I can't wait to see you,
To be together again, you and me,
And 'though the words won't come
For me at all,
The love in my heart is a song unsung,
And on a piano that will not break,
Someday you'll play
The precious song that makes my heart ache.
I love you.

~ January 15, 2009 ~

Districts #1

Isn't it funny
That music is my life,
Yet in a world the should be perfect to me,
I find myself sad.
The thought of you
Brings me to my knees,
And there's nothing I can do
To remove you from my dreams.
I'm having fun,
But part of me can't wait
Until this is done,
And I can be with you again.
Every little thing reminds me
That I'm alone;
All around I see
Reminders that I'm not with you.
I'll read your words again and again,
And count the seconds
Until that moment when
I'll be with you, my precious love.

~ January 14, 2009 ~

Mon Reve

J'ai un reve,
Une reve de vous.
Dans mon reve,
Tu adores moi
Et aussi,
Je t'adore.
Mais, je sais
C'est seule un reve.
Tu es beau,
Fort comme un lion,
Mais te es dulce aussi,
Comme use fleur parfait.
J'aime ton vis,
Et ton coeur aussi.

Mais, mon amour,
Je sais je reve.
Dans mon reve,
Je suis heureux,
J'ai vous pour beaucoup de l'ans.

J'adore, mon ami,
Et je ne regrette pas.
Tu es mon coeur,
Si tu desire,
Mon amour dulce....

~ January 13, 2009 ~

You Are

You are to me
Like the refreshing breeze
Blowing from the cool sea.
You are a light
That guides me through my days
And brightens the darkest night.
You are my lucky star,
And what I love most
Is who you are.
My every dream is of you,
And the joy I've found
I've found in none but you.
I love you, my sweet,
And I cry when we part,
And then count seconds 'til again we meet.
You are the air I breathe,
Without you, I'd surely die.
You're in every tale I weave,
My brave white knight
(Or sometimes my prince in black,
As prefer that you might.)
I love you so,
And wish I'd not despised you;
For many years I did not know
The precious jewel,
The wonderful person
I now know is you.

~ January 12, 2009 ~

Family Get-Togethers

The little ones play,
While the adults talk and laugh,
But in the car I'll stay.
I fear if I go in,
He'll see me,
Because I can't seem to win.
One more year
Is my comfort...
Soon I'll be out of here.
I'll go far, far away
And only come back
For maybe a day,
So he doesn't have time
To seek me out
And poison my mind.

I dressed well today,
I'm covered from head to toe
In shades of black and gray.
But he can undress me easily
And he sees in his mind
What, underneath, I must surely must be.

I know they all think
I'm horribly selfish,
Staying here while they eat and drink,
But I've tears to cry,
Wishes to make,
Prayers for him to die....

I love my little kids so much...
It's not yet to the point
Where poor Brittney cringes at his touch.
I pray the day never comes
When she, rather than see him,
Would prefer to hang
From the nearest tree,
As I, myself,
So often wish to be.

~ January 4, 2009 ~

Questions

Confusion whirls around
In my mind.
I don't know what to say or do
When your words are so fine.
They mess with my head
And with my heart, too.
I don't understand why
I'm so attached to you.
I half wish I wasn't
Such a dumb little twit,
Wanting to be forever
Attached at the hip.
You want to be free,
But at the same time you see
There is something there
Between you and me.
What the hell are you doing
To this heart of mine?
Everything contradicts,
Being both cruel and fine.
What have I done
To you and me?
You do your best to assure me
I will someday live happily,
Yet you balk and turn
At the thought of forever,
Saying we'll change,
The relationship will sever,
And I'm trying to decide
Where this is going,
How much I should trust,
If I should keep loving.
But every time we touch,
Every time you speak,
Every time you glance at me,
My knees grow weak.
You seem to want more
And yet so much less
Than what I want,
'Though I'll confess
You've been a gentleman so far,
Taking care to be good
And not trample my heart.

We're so young,
This I know,
But everything you do
Makes my heart go,
And I don't know how
To make it stop.
I swear if I lost you,
I would drop
To my knees
So I could beg God
To take me away,
To bury me under fresh sod.
But then I think,
"You foolish child!
Get off your butt!
Be merry, be wild!"
Surely there's more to life
Than everlasting love,
More that the sweetness of angels
Smiling on us from heaven above.
But I'm happier now
Than ever I've been,
And I don't want it to end,
But I can't seem to win.

God, tell me, please!
What is your plan for me?
Does it include this sweet romance
That is reaching out to me?

~ March 2, 2009 ~

A Little Something

Ev'ry time I go back,
And read the words you wrote,
I feel there's nothing I lack.
I don't know what you see,
What you think is beautiful,
What is captivating about me.
But when I'm near you,
I feel glorious,
And there's nothing I'd rather be or do
Than talk and laugh
With you, my love,
And I feel so daft,
And I love ev'ry minute of it.
I love your smile,
I love your wit,
And I love that you make me feel
Like I am worth something...
Worth something for real.

~ January 3, 2009 ~

Christmas Cheer

Christmas
Joy to the world
God rest ye merry gentlemen...
God bless me, too.
Give me life
And peace of mind
And the courage to go on
Or the courage to give up.
Give me the strength to face each day,
Each aunt,
Each grandparent,
To face each fear.
Give me trust
Because, by golly,
Everyone that I used to love,
Trust,
Believe in...
They've left me high and dry.
No wonder I have no hope,
No wonder I have no choice.
I left it in Montandon,
I left it in West Milton...
He stole it away to Tennessee,
She took it to Delaware,
And now there's none left in Pennsylvania.
The only thing that's here
Is pain,
Doubt,
Fear,
And faithlessness.
People who hug me,
People who say they love me,
But they harbor runaways -
People who ran away with my heart.
And I hate it.
And at this time
When all is "merry and bright,"
I am simply dreary,
Weary of my plight.
And I ask again,
Why am I here?
Why do I live?
God, why do you torment me so
With endless heartbreaks,
Fears,
And lost hope.
So, I say to you all,
Merry Christmas,
Happy New Year,
May it be cheerful,
Colorful,
Hopeful,
Fun...
I pray I don't die
Of a broken heart
Before I get to see it.

~ December 26, 2007

A Plea

Hanging from the nearest tree
With a rope around my neck.
The rope is frayed...
I'm afraid it's soon going to snap.
I'm afraid to go,
But I'm afraid to stay.
There's so much I know,
So much I hate,
So much I fear,
And I wonder,
Truly, deeply wonder,
Is it too late?
Too late to live?
Too late to die?
Too late to be more
Than just another person
On this crowded earth;
Just another student trying to graduate.
Just another face,
Just another name...
Another someone to forget.
Don't forget!
Remember me!
I want to be more!
I want to be special!
There's still time...
Cut this rope from around my neck,
Let me down,
Let me live,
Let me be...
Let me be me.

~ December 7, 2007

A Sleepover

Silently she sits
In the big brown chair.
Her eyes are tired,
And wild is her hair.
She listens closely
To what the others say,
And only contributes a word or two,
Just waiting for day.
Another girl lays
Across the room
Talking about her life
And the horrible gloom
That was a friendship
For awhile,
But has since
Been torn apart by miles.
Her words seem to sink
Into the mind
Of yet another girl,
Who's heart is barely keeping time.
She glances back and forth
From brunette to blonde,
And her thoughts are racing
Despite attempts to be calm.
She tucks her bronze hair
Behind her small ear,
And her eyes focus
On the friends who are near.
But her thoughts are away,
Far away in the past,
And she's losing her concentration
Really, really fast.
She thinks of him,
And the pain he brought;
How he made her fear
And feel distraught.
A chill runs down
Her spine
As she catches a glance from her friend
And reads her mind.
They are together in this,
They both know the pain
That is caused in a life
By one man's selfish, dreadful gain.
And they know they will pray
For each other tonight,
They will pray that someday,
The wrong will be right.
Someday they'll look back,
And all will be well,
And they'll help others
Through their own personal hells.
'Til then, however,
On faith they rely
To help them get through
Whether they laugh or cry.
Their eyes meet again,
And are for a brief moment still.
They both know for sure,
Someday, recover they will.

~ December 30, 2008

To my dear Katie... you've already helped me. Love you, girl!